By Geoff Fisher Here we are, May again, the buzzing of the may-bees all around. Time flies, as Mozart used to be – all over in two minuets. When I give an order, act like lightning, said the sergeant, so we set fire to a tree.
So what has Digger found this month? Some strange advertisements in local shops. “Tailor-Made Dog Food”, said one. Yes, Digger has known dogs who chew clothes – and shoes – and hats.
If someone complained, the owner would say, Oh, so that’s your hat he chewed. (What do you mean, you don’t get it? Say it quickly in a Cockney accent.)
“Rotating Grass Cutters”, said the next. What do you do, chase the lawn round in circles?
And then “Make Your Carpets Smell of Lemons”. No, Digger guarantees that is genuine. Why on earth would you want to? How would you know unless you were lying on the floor? Perhaps it is to stop the dog chewing them?
Of course, Up North they have alleyways called snickets, which are often lemony. In Norfolk we call them lokes; in Sussex they are twittens, which are also small cats of limited intelligence.
Following last month, when restaurants in Spain were discussed, Digger was reminded of a café at Azincourt (which used to be Agincourt), which had a version of the menu for English visitors that began with “Outworks” (literal translation of hors d’oeuvres, you see) and ended with Grenades in Syrup (for pineapples). Again, Digger kids you not.
But Digger’s favourite is the little roadhouse in the north African desert that serves up “chickens roasted in spit”. Mouth-watering, as they say.
Now, more about the new lost property rules. If you find a bicycle you must tell the police; then if they say it is not stolen you should tell Broadland District Council (Environmental Department). But you must not take it home or they will not collect it, and you will end up having to swap it for an old bath or something.
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